Just twenty minutes, the annual whining started in my head again. On every special occasion where I feel like I should be doing something “celebratory” or “fun”, like today, New Year’s Eve, not doing anything translates into sadness and loneliness. I’m not exactly sure when it started happening; when I started thinking that watching people count down in different cities on the t.v. with my mom wasn’t enough.
Maybe it’s just part of my personality. I always want to be doing something “fun”, to be entertained, I always hated being bored as a child. Sometimes this drive for constant excitement leads to procrastination. And we all know how that ends.Badly.
Instead of going into annoying whiny mode or reminiscing over “how much fun I could have had if I did this(fill in blank)”, I got myself together and asked myself what was so horrible about being home with my family on New Years Eve.
Would I really have prefered getting on the train in the pitch darkness and the “lovely” 1 degree weather to go downtown to be surrounded by strangers(probably wasted on alcohol).I craved warmth, closeness and celebration. But really, I have that all right here.In my little cozy apartment I call home.Thanks to my mom, we had the opportunity for our little 4 man fam jam to gather around for a hot, delicious meal. Thanks to the interwebs I can read through these beautiful blog posts of different people sharing their beautiful thoughts on how their year went and their aspirations for the next. I was able to drop off my final “new years” present to a friend;so at least I made one person very happy today. I realized that loneliness roots from lack of love or care we have for ourselves.We think that we are not enough ourselves, thus we need someone else to make us feel happy. We ought to give ourselves more credit. I mean, we’re all pretty awesome,unique, different ,people. We deserve to feel happiness,warmth, love and satisfaction, and no, we don’t always need other people to have that.Sometimes we just need a moment to pause and remember that we have so much going for us right now, or maybe in the near future. Don’t let days like this, where you feel the weight of loneliness pushing back again, be an excuse to drown yourself in self-pity. There are going to be days where the party is here and you feel on top of the world, and days of peace and tranquility;times for more self reflection and self-love.
No ,I do not regret not going out tonight. Neither do I regret rejecting an offer to have company. I am happy in the present now, in my heated apartment, with a mug of hot tea, wi-fi,and the possibilities of staying up late watching videos, writing or talking to people with salted popcorn and dark chocolate hedgehogs. I think I’ll be just fine.
Whether you’re alone, or having a blast with others somewhere, I wish you all a happy new year!
To happiness,self love and wonderful encounters,